Recently we’ve had some issues with our daughter not listening very well. Mostly this is happening at school where she continues to talk when asked to be quiet. We’ve tried bribing her with new earrings, clothes, new shoes and dessert, all things that we thought would speak to her interests and passions. Unfortunately, she couldn’t care less about those things. She doesn’t seem to make the connection between her actions and the consequences. I think part of it is that earning a sticker on her work in kindergarten or having a note sent home don’t seem to mean that much to her. My wife and I have tried to find different consequences that would get through to her, but nothing seems to be working.
So I asked a friend who counsels families what he thought would be a good approach. His advice was to give her choices. Instead of saying “you need to not talk at school so you can get a sticker from your teacher” or “you need to be quiet at home so your dad doesn’t lose his mind”, we need to present her with two well defined options. For example, “You can choose to be quiet at school and you will be able to watch 30 minutes of TV when you get home. If you choose to not be quiet at school, then you are choosing not to watch TV.” He told me this is a great way to get kids to see that it is a choice they have. It empowers them to make the right decision and leaves us as parents with the responsibility of doling out the appropriate consequence. Either way, the choice is theirs.
I find it too easy to just say “clean your room” or “put your toys away” without specifying what the alternative choice is. I should say “If you choose to put your toys away then you can go outside to play for an extra 15 minutes and if you choose to not put your toys away then you are choosing to go to bed 15 minutes early.” It’s a lot more work upfront, for my feeble mind, but it pays spades on the back end. At least that’s what my friend said.
I know I learned this in one of the parenting books I read a long time ago, but I guess it got lost in the madness. Do you give your kids “choices” like this? Does it work for you in helping them relate their actions to the consequences?